Striving for the Light.

Dec. 9

Some things are irreplaceable. A bright smile, the certain touch of someone's hand, a particular scent, the unique energy that someone you love gives out, a one of a kind look in someones eye, that one special moment. You really do not know what you have until it's gone. Cherish it.

Often times it is difficult for me to relate with anybody. I am hot and cold, on the line...

The mind is dangerously powerful; anything you put your mind to, you can and will do if you want it badly enough.

Dec 11

Where do you turn when you don't know where to go? when the answers are not easy, in fact the answers are no where to be found. and when the golden rays of the sunlight do not always shine down. When everything fades away, the glitz and the glam of these city lights and worldly fascinations dissapears into the darkness of each night...what is it that you then do? what holds you together, what makes you whole? Do you have an idol that constantly fails you, yet you yearn for the insignificant satisfaction that is momentarily grants your hungry soul, so you continue to return for more...never being satisfied. Never fulfilled. or do you find beauty in the smallest most wondrous things?......

Dec 20

Does not feel like Christmas.

Sampson went back to bed, told me that my hair was red, ate a slice of wonderbread

Entries from my journal—

          Friday June 26, 2009

               "We are taking a break right now. We’re wading through the Escalante River in the desert of Southern Utah. It’s really cool, I love it. I feel like I am on a safari in Africa. It definitely has that look and feel. I’m leaning up against a canyon, the cold hard rock is cool against my body. And I’m sitting in sand, there are rocks everywhere and it feels like and African beach. I feel like some ladies in African clothing should walk down the river with baskets on their heads. The bids are chirping and it’s sunny. It’s probably about 630 PM. I am enjoying this evening but I’m very homesick!"

Sunday june 28, 2009

"....it is 3:03AM. We just got finished scaling a mountain. We left our camp at around 9ish and just now got here. When we were almost at the top I was in front of everybody and I tried to go up some weird way and I was lying on the rock with my 60 lb pack sliding down. I got pretty messed up on my legs arms and elbows…if I would have kept sliding and been unable to stop I would have rolled down and died. Victoria saved me."

Tuesday june 30 2009

"Today was a very successful day. I’m happy right now. Tomorrow is the first day of July. I went rock climbing all day and I loved it. I’m going to rock climb so much when I get home!"

Thursday july 2 2009

"I’m starting to get used to this place and love it. It’s growing on me. We hiked 8 miles today, we’re in Coyote Gulch right now and it is AMAZING! Tonight Jeff and I climbed to the top of a 60 ft rock and were going to jump off, but it was pitch black and we couldn’t see much of anything so we’re going to do it in the morning. Last night we got to our spot at 5AM and I watched the sun rise and slept for about 45 minutes then we got up and hiked."

7/3/09

"Today was brilliant. I was the first to jump from the cliff out of everybody. Jeff said his brother who is in pro BMX wouldn’t even jump from that cliff, so I’m proud of myself J after we got back I was dehydrated and felt extremely sick but I got better. We hiked a mile then stopped at a waterfall for a bit, but then a flash flood came so we are stuck here until morning."

July 17 2009

"So today has been exceptionally retarded. I’ve been stressed and pissed all day. We hiked halfway down a mountain, then had to hike back up. We just did so much uphill, and we ran out of water, I felt so sick."

July 20 2009

"We’re at Utah Lake State Park. The sunset this evening was gorgeous. My breath was almost taken away. It was purple! Blue, yellow, pink, grey. Ah. Just an array of beauty. I want to remember that sunset on the summer night of July 20, 2009 forever."

Friday june 19 2009

"We’re in Oray. We got here last night around midnight and I was in a pretty bad mood at first, but then I just looked up at the sky and I was amazed. There were SO many stars. I’ve never seen that many in my life. It looked like somebody had just poured out buckets and buckets of glitter."

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow. If you have been opened up by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closer from fear of further pain!

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, or to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusations of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be trustworthy

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty everyday and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

I have a voice to be heard, so much to mention but I can’t find the words.

                                           Song of the day: Dazed & Confused By: Led Zeppelin

I DON’T TRUST PEOPLE.
I am completely unaware of when this serious change occurred. I used to trust everybody too much. All of the sudden, I find myself trusting nobody. Is this what it feels like to be mad at the world? Thankfully, I won’t let it get the best of me.

             If you were presented with two choices, option A and option B, which would you choose? (a) taking a risk (possibly failing, and being unhappy or it could all go wrong & you would face a lot of resentment for not picking choice B.) in order to potentially have right now what you’d been wanting for a while, and in your near future, a nearly unreachable yet not impossible dream of yours would come true, as well as later on down the road, everything in option B **MAYBE** (this is part of the risk you must take)
or (b) not taking the risk, and choosing the less intimidating path which will guarantee happiness, good memories, security, fun, and opportunity.  I am amidst trying to make a decision similar to this (in my eyes).  A lot of people do not understand me, but that is okay. I don’t expect them to.

Something to think about: All motivation comes out of fear or love.

"YOU ARE COMPLETE IN ME"

"There was madness in any direction, at any hour. You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning."

I know there’s something in the wake of your smile.

                            Do you ever miss somebody who is standing right in front of you? I have.

At the end of the day, you are left alone. You may have someone by your side, but you are you and only you. We live our lives out, wake up each morning to a new sunrise, and deal with our choices. Why is it that so often people repeat mistakes, hoping for a different outcome?


                      I had a dream. It was out of the ordinary (whatever ordinary for a dream is) everything was warped… In my dream I laughed for such a long time that my insides hurt. My life was a story book layed out before me. I was sitting in a friends backyard, and I saw everything for how it actually is. I looked around at the people surrounding me and I could see their insides. Outward appearance didn’t matter for once, & I could read people like books. Everything was out of proportion, yet life made complete sense. My eyes kept wandering to a tree in the story book. It reminded me of the tree of life. The tree was outlined and illuminated under the moonlight. It was serene. I fell back on my bed in my dream. I saw thousands of candles, they lit up my room in a wondrous ceremony. We were all there. MGMT and Rainbows played and the lights changed colors with each individual beat. Everything is waves of light. I felt every emotion that a human being can possibly feel, all at once and to the highest extreme. I saw my life flash before me, and had a calmness overtake me. I knew that everything would be okay in the end. I felt feelings in this dream that cannot be described in words. In my dream the world did not exist. Food, sleep, people, problems. It was all gone. None of it mattered. It was simply a dream of a wild array of emotions. The things that I saw in the next part of my dream were fairytales. I was a cold blooded reptile, unaware of my body and physical appearance. I moved in short, fast rushes throughout the hallways…my vision was gone, I was literally blinded. In my dream, no light switches could be turned on or it was painful to my now blinded eyes. Yet, for the first time in my life I felt that I could truly see.

The movement you need is on your shoulders

This is something I did for Psychology, just decided to share it with you guys.

Continued freshness of appreciation:

          This person realizes that moment to moment living is thrilling, and they live the present moment to the fullest. I would say that as of recently, I have mastered the art of appreciation. I’m a naturally pessimistic person, but over the past ten months or so, I’ve slowly molded myself into an optimistic person and by the time I am finished with myself, I want to be the most optimistic person out there. I finally realized that perspective and mindset are everything, and this “continued freshness of appreciation” really does work. Living and engaging fully in each thing you do, is truly rewarding. Understanding that life goes on is fundamental to happiness and appreciation for life. Also, taking notice of the small but significant things in life such as a smile, a kiss, a song, a flower, a smell, a hug will truly bless you and nourish your soul. Also, I’ve discovered that it takes more effort to be down than it does to simply be happy and appreciate life, taking it as it comes.

Peak experiences:

                            Peak experiences are specific moments in time that we as individuals can remember in a significant way. I believe that these peak experiences may be positive and some negative…but all working together in a monumental way to cause growth. Peak experiences can exist in various ways. I chose peak experiences as one of my three characteristics of self actualizing that I am good at because I have had so many of them. Experience is knowledge and power, and I most definitely have experience with these. Whenever I am experiencing a peak moment, I try to take a picture of it in my mind and remember it forever.  Besides living for God, I live for peak experiences. They are refreshing and intense. A few peak experiences that I can recall & share are: a few vacations that I have been on, graduating from high school and never having to look back, moving out of my parents house, having my heart broken, losing two friends this summer, being in Mexico, overcoming some of my downfalls..ect.

Spontaneity, simplicity, naturalness:

                These are three of my favorite words, and they are pretty self explanatory. I have always been spontaneous in my own eyes, whether others see it or not. I’ll try almost anything once, and although I may be “shy” at times, not much scares me. Just recently I have begun teaching myself the definition and importance of simplicity. I used to study a bit of Zen, and the main focus of Zen is simplicity. Recently I have discovered that the more you desire, the more unhappiness you experience. By simplifying your life and being content…you can experience such joy. Then, when other luxuries are added to your life, it is a gift which you can delight in and not something that you were already expecting while looking to the next thing too. Naturalness is existing in, or formed by nature. I am most obviously and definitely both of these. I was formed by God, but the outdoors have formed a lot of who I am and given me a lot of insight into the world. God created nature and God created me, so we are all intertwined.

Wouldn't you like to see how other people view you? I would! I think that if we all could, a lot of things would be different.

A lot of the time I feel like there is no median. People are either super cocky and into themselves in a disgusting way, or on the other extreme, an amazing individual doesn't realize their potenial and how much they have an effect on others!

<3 have a great day.

If it means a lot to you..

insanity: repeating the same [bad] habits over and over and expecting different results.

Lately: My mind is overflowing with ideas, proposals and options. Learn to be happy in any situation, under any circumstances.


A friend on Facebook today posted a status that she was eating a Big Mac for the first time; it made me think--I have never eaten a hamburger from McDonalds, let alone a Big Mac. Does this make me un-American? Haha. My two older brothers used to pick on me for not liking hamburgers or apple pie, and they would joke that I must be adopted and tease that I was "un-American" due to my lack of love for beef patties and pie. You will rarely see me eat a hamburger. Once every three or four months. I've just never been a big fan of them. Call it what you like :P

Don't get me wrong, I love food. Authentic Mexican, Italian, gourmet cooking from my Mom, Aunt Jo, or Uncle Tom. Mmmmm! I normally cook at least once or twice a week, but this past week I haven't cooked any. I'll get back on that, and post pictures and possibly recipes. No sorry, you can't have any of my secret recipes. (;

Today Julie shared her Greek food with me-AUHHHH-MAZING! Most definetely wouldn't mind eating Greek food more often. It was delicious, and healthy. Appeared to be very healthy


I'm in much better spirits than I was the other night. I apologize for not writing yesterday, from now on I will try to make it happen everyday. Tuesday was extremely frustrating because I began my blog post in the morning when I woke up for Philosophy, and kept going back to it all throughout the day, then as I go to post it, the freakin' page expires and I lose all my writing. I was so upset!!! I put a lot of effort into that post and it was all gone. BUT nevertheless, I ended up teaching myself a lesson. I had written in that blog about not sweating the small things and down sizing + simplifying your life to the bare necessities! Got to love the Jungle Book ;) anyways. after getting very frustrated about my blog (because it means a lot to me), I came to terms with my over reaction. I had to take a day off to cool off, but I'm back! and I learned my lesson to always save save save every sentence I write as I go!


Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. As humans, our brains familiarize us with things the more we associate with them…and once we’ve established that familiarity, it is hard to let go and move on, because that means adjusting to the lack of the familiar things. Currently I am battling myself trying to decide whether to stay in Dallas, pick up my cowgirl boots and saddle, and give it more of a chance, or  leave in December and transfer to Texas State University. Oh Texas State, how I’ve had my eye on you for a while now ;)


When I observe myself, it is almost scary to comprehend all of the ableness that God has given me, and the blessings on top of that. I am capable of more than I can even imagine.


If money, fear, and your own self were not in the way….What would YOU do?

I’d be funnier, and stronger. I would spend 75% more of my time outdoors. Bold.  I would practice piano everyday for 3 hours and be in a touring band with 4 men. We’d travel all over the globe, sharing our music with the world for 2 years, then I’d quit. I would always stay with the piano though, throughout my whole life. I would be outgoing, and so incredibly book and street smart that you’d be sick to your stomach. I’d own two or three dogs, read two or three books a week. I would rotate between yoga and rock climbing three days a week. I would quit smoking cigarettes for good. I would cook everyday and have my own garden with a large array of things in it. I would become the next Dr. Seuss, and have 1,000 children’s books published, then I would go on to write an autobiography of my crazy life, and a few other books on various topics. While writing, I’d also be raising my 2 children (a third will come later on) and taking trips to Australia a few times a year. I would be madly in love, and my profession would be saving lives. All day every day I would focus on other people and restoring them to wholeness and bringing them to Christ. As a side job, I would be a part-time lawyer, and with the rest of my time I’d run my restaurant and be a wedding planner. I would never lash out at those I love…I would be free if it weren’t for me.
(:




“In general, pride is at the bottom of all great mistakes.”

@%$*@$@*$

"Just say what's on your heart" -JEV.

 

Ha. BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP. Thats me really upset. I spent half of my day writing a blog post and it just got deleted. The only part that saved that the picture and quote. Great. I want to cry. Thanks a lot computer. I'm not writing another one today.

:(